my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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