When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize