So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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