im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize