My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Randomize
