I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
