I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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