You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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