I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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