I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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