Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
