I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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