Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
