Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
