I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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