There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize