dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
