i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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