My liver just broke up with me...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
