ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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