Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
