I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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