Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
