Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
