Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ugly people sure do ruin things
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
