He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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