Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
