When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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