if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Less talking, more tequila
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
