i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
