her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
