any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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