so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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