I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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