can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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