dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
