Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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