i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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