Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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