In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
