Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
