I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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