After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
