AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
