Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Walk of Shame today included voting.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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