I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
