Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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