i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize