Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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