What tipped you off? The sombrero?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
